Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
That accounts for only three of the penises
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
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