I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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