I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
