Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
