The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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