I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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