were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
