I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
