I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
