so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
