im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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