Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize