It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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