how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
