i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
