I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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