when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
