You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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