I can't watch pbs sober anymore
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
