I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
