I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
