I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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