shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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