I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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