its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
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