I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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