guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
two words...techno handjob
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
