I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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