I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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