Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
