So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
