i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
