Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
