hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
