Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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