I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
