I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
