i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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