All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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