Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
my phone needs a breathalizer
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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