no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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