Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Randomize