I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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