his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
