just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
