Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
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