Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
there is glitter all over my balls
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