paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
if only i could text you this smell
handjob tips. give me some.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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