Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
It's Friday. Sex?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
