Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
