I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
You're a waste of cheezeits
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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