So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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