I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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