I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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