How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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