You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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