This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Randomize
