Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
