dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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