There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
